While I have always dreaded this month, it’s this day that is the most emotional, but the last two years have been a bit harder.

Several years ago as we were moving into our new home Peter suffered his heart attack. Not only was I scared with all that was happening but I was worried about how on earth was I going to move everything alone. Someone I knew from another state offered to come help. Normally I would decline but with Peter in the hospital and my needing to get things moved I figured why not.

A bit of history…

In 1993 we had a fire, lost everything.. however.. two things miraculously survived – a box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes in one cupboard and a pair of my son’s baby shoes with the sonogram photos tucked inside in another. They had soot on them, but other than that no damage.

In 2011 we had a flood, lost everything.. but those baby shoes with the sonogram photos survived.

A few years prior to moving, on June 30th, I was having a more emotional time than usual. Peter sat beside me and said, “Let’s make a deal. You can have this day every year to cry.. be angry.. whatever it is you’re feeling but for the rest of the year we’re going to tuck these away, ok?” I was worried I would forget but he assured me that placing them in a box doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten, it simply meant I would set aside that one day and make it special. I agreed. The next day he placed them in a box.

The year of Peter’s heart attack I thought of nothing more than getting him better and through his surgery. June 30th came and went and when I realized I had forgotten I was upset with myself. The following year, June 30th, I went to find that box with the shoes and sonogram photos… they were nowhere to be found. I was frantic, they had to be somewhere. I tore everything apart, twice. What I think happened is they were thrown out when moving.

This morning when Peter woke he took my hand. I think he knew I’d been laying there crying. I said to him.. do you know why those were so important to me? As I grow older I fear I will forget and just being able to hold those in my hands, even for a day, allowed me to remember.. they made it real. I’m sure for those who have lost a child, you’ll understand what I mean. You can’t simply go out and buy a pair of new booties. You can’t re-create the sonogram photos. The loss is.. well, the loss is final.

They make a pill for everything these days.. but not for a broken heart.

@Peter .. thank you for being my husband. Thank you for allowing me this one day to be that emotional woman who lost something so precious that I sometimes feel I can’t go on, even after all this time. Thank you for understanding and being so supportive.

To my son… I love you. Happy 28th Birthday.